Cabar.asia
Uzbekistan:
Life After an Orphanage
Life After an Orphanage
«After graduating the orphanage, you realize that you cannot do anything. You do not know how to spend money, how to cook food, where to buy groceries. You are only 16, but you are already in the free world without any experience and skills, without advice from any elders...»
It is difficult for orphanages' graduates to adapt to adulthood.
Ksenia M. is 33; she grew up in the orphanage No. 23 (Mehribnlik uyi). Fortunately, today she has a good job and raises two children. Surprisingly, her life has turned out to be good, except for the fact that she does not have a house yet, and keeps renting an apartment in Tashkent.
However, according to her, only 10-15 percent of graduates of orphanages or state-owned boarding schools manage to live happily. The rest either drink too much, commit suicide, or give birth and then send their children to orphanages.
Ksenia told CABAR.asia about her life in an orphanage and in a state-owned boarding school later. She also told us about the reasons that lead to unsuccessful lives of many graduates of such institutions.
However, according to her, only 10-15 percent of graduates of orphanages or state-owned boarding schools manage to live happily. The rest either drink too much, commit suicide, or give birth and then send their children to orphanages.
Ksenia told CABAR.asia about her life in an orphanage and in a state-owned boarding school later. She also told us about the reasons that lead to unsuccessful lives of many graduates of such institutions.
Let Mom Hear ...
- I ended up in an orphanage when I was four, after my older sister placed me there. My mother did not have time for us, as she had a dissolute life. Despite all this, until my last days there, I believed that my mother would come and take me home. But that never happened ...
I spent my childhood, adolescence and youth in the orphanage. I remember my first day at the orphanage very well. I was given many toys that I never had at home. At first, it seemed that I was in a fairy tale. However, over time, of course, things started to change. 25 children were in our group. The educators were different. Some were kind, others were cruel. Mostly, cruel.
For any kind of disobedience, they could beat us with a mop, a tourniquet, forced us for to hold chairs above our heads an hour or even more. Our hands would totally numb after this. We could not dare to cry as it was not accepted. If you ended up crying, people would start calling you a coward. For us as children, this was the worst experience. Once our nanny was in a very bad mood, and we were making noise and playing. She ended up beating us all with a heavy belt to keep us quiet. We were afraid to even squeak. Such incidents happened very often.
I spent my childhood, adolescence and youth in the orphanage. I remember my first day at the orphanage very well. I was given many toys that I never had at home. At first, it seemed that I was in a fairy tale. However, over time, of course, things started to change. 25 children were in our group. The educators were different. Some were kind, others were cruel. Mostly, cruel.
For any kind of disobedience, they could beat us with a mop, a tourniquet, forced us for to hold chairs above our heads an hour or even more. Our hands would totally numb after this. We could not dare to cry as it was not accepted. If you ended up crying, people would start calling you a coward. For us as children, this was the worst experience. Once our nanny was in a very bad mood, and we were making noise and playing. She ended up beating us all with a heavy belt to keep us quiet. We were afraid to even squeak. Such incidents happened very often.
The worst thing was when the teachers started scolding us and, in order to make it more painful, they would calmly say, «What can become of you if your mother is an alcoholic? You will repeat her fate». Many children started to use similar phrases when quarreling with each other, after which a fight would usually break out. Every child stood up for his/her mother and got into a vicious fight for her. After all, our mothers were the most beloved for us. We all fell asleep thinking that just after a little bit more time, our mothers would definitely take us home.
Since the orphanage No. 23 was designed for small children, it was time to leave after finishing fourth grade. Unfortunately, it was not the time to go home, but to another orphanage – orphanage No. 12 designed for older children. When we were transferred to our new orphanages, we all cried a lot. This was probably the first serious test for us. We were afraid and frightened by the thoughts that there was hazing in these orphanages. However, we knew everything there, after we all grew up in such institutions since our childhood.
Life in an Orphanage Is Not About Tears
Everything was different, but the life in our new orphanage turned out to be not so scary. The food turned out to be the biggest difference. After attending our first dinner, we realized that the food they served us was impossible to consume.
Luckily, the older children supported us and we got used to the new rules.
At our new place we had to be even stronger. Life in an orphanage is not about tears, which you will rarely see there. You learn to accept any pain with a smile on your face. Of course, for all the years spent there, we had many good times, but also bad ones. From the good moments, I remember the annual trips to the "Presidential Christmas tree" for New Year. We loved it and looked forward to this day, because they gave us big gifts with candies there. What else does a child need, who feels hungry all the time and only sees sweets during the holidays? In the summer, we went camping in the mountains. Perhaps, these are the most vivid memories.
Luckily, the older children supported us and we got used to the new rules.
At our new place we had to be even stronger. Life in an orphanage is not about tears, which you will rarely see there. You learn to accept any pain with a smile on your face. Of course, for all the years spent there, we had many good times, but also bad ones. From the good moments, I remember the annual trips to the "Presidential Christmas tree" for New Year. We loved it and looked forward to this day, because they gave us big gifts with candies there. What else does a child need, who feels hungry all the time and only sees sweets during the holidays? In the summer, we went camping in the mountains. Perhaps, these are the most vivid memories.
Nevertheless, each of us dreamed of one thing: to get out as soon as possible. Some of the children at the orphanage were visited by their parents. During such moments, other children felt even lonelier; after all, you knew in advance that no one would ever come to visit you.
I remember one incident. We had three siblings at the orphanage whose mother was missing. Once, when the older sister was 14, and the other two boys were 12 and 11, their mother came to visit them. It turned out that all these years she had great difficulties in her life that she could not solve and began to drink heavily. For the sake of her children, she decided to change. She said that she simply did not meet people who could have helped her, and she had to place her children in an orphanage.
I remember one incident. We had three siblings at the orphanage whose mother was missing. Once, when the older sister was 14, and the other two boys were 12 and 11, their mother came to visit them. It turned out that all these years she had great difficulties in her life that she could not solve and began to drink heavily. For the sake of her children, she decided to change. She said that she simply did not meet people who could have helped her, and she had to place her children in an orphanage.
The experience of the Republican Center for the Social Adaptation of Children (RCSAD) shows that sometimes, it is enough to explain to parents that the separation of a child from his/her family can lead to negative psychological and legal consequences, to give psychological and pedagogical advice to develop parenting skills, to help with medical and legal issues, and help to find jobs.
Some of people believing in their abilities to take care of their children change their decision to send their child to an orphanage. Unfortunately, some employees of makhallas, schools, khokimiyats (government bodies) often refer to this problem as "no child, no problem".
It is easier for them to place their children in an institution than to spend time raising them. According to the RCSAD, more than 40 percent of the children in orphanages are children of those who gave them up due to poverty.
According to the RCSAD observations, not all those parents are in need. There are those, who have placed their child in an orphanage in order to take advantage of the benefits intended for orphans. Others want their children to receive, in their opinion, a better education. There are also those, who get divorced and decide to place their children in an orphanage in order to start a new life.
Some of people believing in their abilities to take care of their children change their decision to send their child to an orphanage. Unfortunately, some employees of makhallas, schools, khokimiyats (government bodies) often refer to this problem as "no child, no problem".
It is easier for them to place their children in an institution than to spend time raising them. According to the RCSAD, more than 40 percent of the children in orphanages are children of those who gave them up due to poverty.
According to the RCSAD observations, not all those parents are in need. There are those, who have placed their child in an orphanage in order to take advantage of the benefits intended for orphans. Others want their children to receive, in their opinion, a better education. There are also those, who get divorced and decide to place their children in an orphanage in order to start a new life.
Adult Life Turned Out to Be Different
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«Remember, tomorrow you will leave, and in the outside world, no one will need or care about you. The orphanage takes care of you. The real life is not an orphanage. In the real word, things are much more complicated».
It is difficult to grasp the full meaning of the spoken words for a ten-year-old child. But at 17, remembering those words, you understand how prophetic they turned out to be.
Eventually, after finishing ninth grade, just like all orphanages' graduates, we received our "freedom". We were placed in colleges and academic lyceums for receiving secondary education and certain skills. While studying, the state pays children like us a monthly allowance so that they can study in peace and not think about finding money for food.
The main difficulties begin exactly at this moment. After graduating the orphanage, you realize that you cannot do anything. You do not know how to spend money, how to cook food, where to buy groceries. You turn out to be socially incapable. Any difficulty makes you lost, you do not know who to ask for advice.
Eventually, after finishing ninth grade, just like all orphanages' graduates, we received our "freedom". We were placed in colleges and academic lyceums for receiving secondary education and certain skills. While studying, the state pays children like us a monthly allowance so that they can study in peace and not think about finding money for food.
The main difficulties begin exactly at this moment. After graduating the orphanage, you realize that you cannot do anything. You do not know how to spend money, how to cook food, where to buy groceries. You turn out to be socially incapable. Any difficulty makes you lost, you do not know who to ask for advice.
You were taught some things in the orphanage, but the world turned out to be different. You continue to miss for your mother, but she is long gone, and will never come back. In every point of your life, you realize one simple truth: nobody needs you.
You were taught some things in the orphanage, but the world turned out to be different. You are only 16, but you are already in the free world without any experience and skills, without advice from any elders. You continue to miss your mother, but she is long gone, and will never come back. This period decides the fate of many graduates. Some fall in love, get pregnant, and then, when their partners leave them, cannot figure out what to do with their child. Others start drinking, smoking and going to clubs. Others feel even lonelier and sometimes end up committing suicide.
I also experienced many of these stages. I fell in love early, had an abortion at 18; at 19 I tried to commit suicide. People usually ask, what can make a person to commit suicide at such an early age? The answer is simple: realizing that nobody needs you. After all, we had nannies in the orphanage, but here, we have no one! In every point of your life, you realize one simple truth: nobody needs you. You try so hard hoping that somebody will need and care for you, but everyone has own worries and problems.
I also experienced many of these stages. I fell in love early, had an abortion at 18; at 19 I tried to commit suicide. People usually ask, what can make a person to commit suicide at such an early age? The answer is simple: realizing that nobody needs you. After all, we had nannies in the orphanage, but here, we have no one! In every point of your life, you realize one simple truth: nobody needs you. You try so hard hoping that somebody will need and care for you, but everyone has own worries and problems.
I Became stronger, but Not Everyone Could
Today, I am quite a successful. I have two children, I have a higher education and lucky enough, I got my favorite job. I still do not own a house, but I strive for this goal. I know that I will definitely achieve it, since I have already lived through the most difficult parts of my life.
However, not everyone with whom I grew up did so well. Looking back, I can say that poor social adaptation becomes the reason that after 10 years, few people achieve success in life. Most continue to expect some kind of benefit from the state or from other organizations. Everyone expects to receive help, only because she/he is former orphanage graduate. In their opinion, the whole world should feel sorry for them and support them. Others also send their children to an orphanage, some drink too much or go to jail.
Sure, the state creates the most comfortable conditions for a child to grow and develop in, but, as practice shows, such children turn out to be not ready for an adult life.
However, not everyone with whom I grew up did so well. Looking back, I can say that poor social adaptation becomes the reason that after 10 years, few people achieve success in life. Most continue to expect some kind of benefit from the state or from other organizations. Everyone expects to receive help, only because she/he is former orphanage graduate. In their opinion, the whole world should feel sorry for them and support them. Others also send their children to an orphanage, some drink too much or go to jail.
Sure, the state creates the most comfortable conditions for a child to grow and develop in, but, as practice shows, such children turn out to be not ready for an adult life.
According to the Head of the Department for Orphans and Children Left Without Parental Care, under the Republican Center for the Social Adaptation of Children, Candidate of Psychological Sciences Gelena Khrulnova, a child's prolonged stay in the institutions leads to negative consequences:
«The specific living conditions in institutions designated for orphans and children left without parental care, namely, a constant change of caregivers (there is no stable attachment), a large number of students (lack of personal attention and emotional stimulation necessary for development, untimely response to the needs of the child), schedule and instructions of adults lead to the formation of a number of psychological problems, which subsequently lead to problems with adaptation to an independent life after graduation.
In addition, a child's stay in an orphanage or state-owned boarding school is economically unprofitable. The state spends a lot of money on supporting such children for several years in an orphanage, and then, continues supporting them after graduation. It is cheaper to help their family at an early stage of a crisis by providing psychological or legal advice and other types of support to help the family.».
«The specific living conditions in institutions designated for orphans and children left without parental care, namely, a constant change of caregivers (there is no stable attachment), a large number of students (lack of personal attention and emotional stimulation necessary for development, untimely response to the needs of the child), schedule and instructions of adults lead to the formation of a number of psychological problems, which subsequently lead to problems with adaptation to an independent life after graduation.
In addition, a child's stay in an orphanage or state-owned boarding school is economically unprofitable. The state spends a lot of money on supporting such children for several years in an orphanage, and then, continues supporting them after graduation. It is cheaper to help their family at an early stage of a crisis by providing psychological or legal advice and other types of support to help the family.».
Ksenia told CABAR.asia that she stays in touch with the orphanage where she was raised. Her classmate works there, with whom she keeps in touch. Conditions have certainly improved, but the problems have remained the same.
According to Ksenia, the families should receive the assistance. Each child must live in a family, and if, for some reason, this is impossible, then finding a foster family for the child should be the goal.
According to Ksenia, the families should receive the assistance. Each child must live in a family, and if, for some reason, this is impossible, then finding a foster family for the child should be the goal.
«Since last year, the country began reforming the existing system of social protection for this category of children. It is necessary to develop a system that provides social assistance to families at an early stage of crisis in order to prevent a child from going to an orphanage, as well as to create a system of selection, training and support for foster families.
For 15 years, the RCSAD studied international experience on this issue, created a methodological database, and gained experience in providing psychological assistance to foster families. In order to implement it, trained specialists are needed. Not all psychologists can work with foster families, since this is not taught in universities. It is necessary to increase their professional competence.
In addition, the culture of visiting psychologists is not yet formed in Uzbekistan. The mothers are able to understand that they need help, but the fathers think that everything is fine, "fix the child!" Or, seeing positive changes, they stop attending sessions, which affects the results. Such an attitude can lead to the abandonment of an adopted child, which will become another tragedy for them. After all, these kids have already been abandoned once».
For 15 years, the RCSAD studied international experience on this issue, created a methodological database, and gained experience in providing psychological assistance to foster families. In order to implement it, trained specialists are needed. Not all psychologists can work with foster families, since this is not taught in universities. It is necessary to increase their professional competence.
In addition, the culture of visiting psychologists is not yet formed in Uzbekistan. The mothers are able to understand that they need help, but the fathers think that everything is fine, "fix the child!" Or, seeing positive changes, they stop attending sessions, which affects the results. Such an attitude can lead to the abandonment of an adopted child, which will become another tragedy for them. After all, these kids have already been abandoned once».